Today I begin my 57th trip around the sun. Looking back over the past year, I don’t think I will remember it as the year I struggled. I think I will remember it as the year I finally asked for help.
In January, I hit a wall. Looking back I think I hit it numerous times. I was just too stubborn to realize I wasn’t going to break through it. It was a concrete wall with no door.
I reached out to EAP (Employee Assistance Program) and asked for help. I had all these thoughts in my head before, and after, I reached out:
- You don’t need help
- You are strong and resilient
- You will get through this
- You just need to get up and go to work
- Stop being weak
- Stop complaining
- You aren’t struggling with mental health, you are just being lazy and avoiding work
The list could go on.
I started counselling in January. Slowly I began recognizing when my body was reacting before my mind even understood why. I continued with these sessions, and I honestly believed I was through the worst of it. Then…
BAM. Concrete wall.
I didn’t see it coming. I thought I was moving forward and managing.
Around that time, I had a doctor’s appointment and my husband said, “You have a little while before your appointment, why don’t you go and do something fun.”
My response? “I know in my brain what I enjoy and love to do, but nothing sounds like fun. Everything feels like too much effort to do.”
That sentence stopped me.
When my doctor asked me how I was, I broke down. Tears streamed down my face and I could barely get the words out. I told him about the conversation I just had with my husband. He diagnosed me with anhedonia and put me off work for two months. Anhedonia. I went home and Googled it. Yup. That was me. Big time. I had been feeling that way for months but convinced myself I was just lazy and unmotivated.
Since then I have been learning what self-care looks like. I’ve eliminated the “shoulds” and “need tos” from my vocabulary and I gave myself permission to get to know myself again.
It took a while but I am finding the joy in life again. It started showing up in unexpected places: watercolour painting, baking sourdough, cultivating a little patio herb garden, kayaking and cycling.
Retirement is less than two months away. For the first time in a long time, I’m not just planning what comes next. I am rediscovering who I am. This blog will be a part of that journey.
There will be adventures, experiments, failures, small victories, laughter, and lessons that I wished I’d learned decades ago – and ones I’m grateful to carry into retirement. It will also be about permission. Permission to be me. Permission to ask for help. Permission to do things differently. Permission to rest. Permission to try new things and fail.
A few months ago I thought I had reached a concrete wall with no door. Maybe it wasn’t the end of the road after all. Maybe it was the moment I gave myself permission to take a different path.
I would love for you to come along on this journey.
Have you ever reached a point where you realized something needed to change?
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